This is the reworking of something from a few years ago .. in the before-blog days.
I have what I consider is a victory, it is a short – lived victory.
The peace I have is not lasting so I guess the only conclusion to reach is that this can’t be victory. I realise that the sense of heaviness in my heart is due to one thing.
The voice that I heeded was not the voice of conviction, as I had initially thought, it was the voice of accusation. And once again, I’ve blindly followed the prompting of that voice.
I’ve blindly followed back to the sea and I have that rusty old fishing rod back in my hand.
In blindly following, I’ve ignored a much quieter voice. A voice that was pleading with me to focus on the truth and what is right and what is good.
But here I am sitting down at the edge of the vast sea of God’s forgetfulness.
I’ve dipped back into His forgetfulness and I’ve hauled in a big one.
It’s a catch that I’ve reeled in and thrown back before …
I sit and look at it again. I check if it’s still alive. I examine the flashing, flaring scales.
They gleam and glisten hideously in the light. They are vibrant, they are the scales of doubt, shame, disgrace, worthlessness, disbelief, jealousy, insignificance …
The longer I consider what to do with it, the longer I’ve gazed at it, the more I’ve studied it, the worse it has made me feel. This is what the accuser wants, this is his desire. His desire is to have me, a child of God, a forgiven daughter, one who is called a joint-heir with Christ, sitting down by the sea gazing at who I was, who I have been.
With heart heaviness I realise that once again, I’ve sat down and gazed for far too long at what has been most certainly forgiven, and what is much better left forgotten.
I tear my eyes away from my catch to see there is One with me, even here.
He’s standing on the shore beside where I sit.
He’s been with me the whole time.
He was there while I slept.
He was there when I awoke,
He was there when that voice started to whisper at me. He was there when I followed its call.
He was with me when I picked up the rod. He was there as I hauled this catch back in. He was right here when I sat down to study it.
His was the quiet voice I ignored.
The voice that was telling me – I’ve got this one …
I look up once again and see that His hand is outstretched. It’s a scarred hand and I remember what that means.
I realise what my fishing in this sea does to Him …
I realise what this sea has cost Him …
He looks at me with the eyes of love, eyes that patiently wait for me to listen to his voice.
I’ve paid for that ugly, hideously, misshapen catch you have in your hands.
It’s mine, I took it to be my own.
I suffered for that so that you don’t have to.
Why are you looking at it again?
My Father, and your Father, chooses not to remember this.
Give it to me and turn away. I will cast it into the sea…
As long as you think that you can remove this from yourself in your own efforts, through your own power — it will return. I, and I alone, can remove this from you. I can remove it so that the distance between you and it, is as far the east is from the west. I will cast it into the sea. I will remove this so far from you that you will not be able to find it should you seek it, but you must give it to me. You cannot hide it, it will resurface, you cannot put it back when you are in the shallows.
Give it to me and instead of gazing at the misshapen work of your own hands …
Gaze on me, gaze on my goodness, examine me.
Find truth, faithfulness, worth, goodness, grace, mercy, significance and acceptance in me.
Listen to my voice, get up and hand over that rod.
He will again have compassion on us,
And will subdue our iniquities.
You will cast all our sins
Into the depths of the sea. Micah 7:19 (NKJV)
For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their lawless deeds I will remember no more. Hebrews 8:12 (NKJV)