Today he’s heading into hospital for 5 days, and I’ve been struggling to do the supportive wife act … why? I’m really not keen on him going away at all.
I’m looking at the week ahead and feeling a little overwhelmed.
If you are reading this now and you know all about the trip to the hypertension unit, then we all know you’ve offered to help us in some way. And we all know that I’ve been my usual “I don’t know how you can help” (because I’m stupidly independent) self. The truth is I have consciously avoided giving it too much headspace, because I knew I’d find myself feeling overwhelmed, resistant and maybe a little teary.
We (him and me) don’t spend time apart as a rule – not in a weird you can’t breathe unless I’m there with you way – but as he said the other night, “I’ve spent 37 years without you that’s enough, I don’t want to spend any more time apart than that.”
And I feel the same way – there’s something bittersweet about meeting your soul mate when you’ve both already spent far too much time with people who weren’t. You may even have had children with them and that is quite a complication. The children you have in your home aren’t yours and they have significant genetic material from people who have shown you disdain, contempt and occasionally hatred. (If you’re reading “Some days it’s not a picnic” – well done.)
Now because you have become a couple after children you have missed out on the pre-kids days, the just you and him days/months/years – really missed out on them. So any time that you can have as a couple; without someone asking constant questions or someone screeching like a rosella, or someone thumping around the house in a tantrum, is blissful. We have two nights and one day a fortnight that classifies as this. But this week – it’s hospital time. This week, our quiet no kids time – is taking place in the form of his adventure into the hospital to get his blood pressure sorted out.
So I guess at the end of the week I’ll go in for mine?
If I’m going to be truthful I’ll have to come clean about this, I’ve been a bit resentful and selfish as I think about my week ahead. I’ll work for the day, drive to the hospital, return home, probably have time to do a few things, go to bed, get up, work for the day … x 4.
Honestly, I’ve been dreading it.
Honestly, I’ve spent too much time wondering about how it is that I’m going to do it all.
I’ve spent far too much time focusing on my to do list rather than my “what I know to be true” list. I’ve spent a little too long avoiding the renewing of my mind in favour of overcrowding it.
I’m once again confronted by my God and His promises to me, the ones that I more often than not, fail to lay hold of until I feel myself in a position when I feel like I can’t cope, and that I’m going under. It doesn’t cease to amaze me how quickly I can recognise this when I stop focusing on how I feel and start thinking. (INFJ people – fortunately we have these two (feeling and thinking) operating in close connection with one another – my Feeling preference over Thinking is less than 10%)
As I lay in bed this morning I felt that I was there again. It was one of those moments when I was so wrapped up in myself and how I felt after some especially vivid dreams, that I lost sight of God and at that point the enemy rushed in. As I lay there I was reminded of sins from the past – long forgiven, long forgotten (I thought), no sooner would I remind myself that it was done and dealt with but another would pop up – things I’d forgotten long ago, I went through the process of surrendering the rusty rod again and I quite quickly (for me) came to realise that this week is a chance for me to rely on God in ways that I haven’t done before.
So my decision for the week ahead is to focus on the things I know to be true, rather than the things I have to do.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me … even things I don’t want to do …
When I am weak then I am strong … even though I don’t like acknowledging that I am weak…ever.
Therefore strengthen the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be dislocated, but rather be healed …
So this week – let’s not meander through paths of worry or fall into the slough of despond, become lost wandering around in worry land, or halt at the foot of the hill of difficulty.
I’m keenly aware that more than a few of you reading this have a long week ahead of you. Some of you have long months both behind you and ahead of you. I am acutely aware that my small struggles of this week are something you would gladly exchange when compared to your own.
You know who you are – I know who you are.
But know that what I write is just as true for you as it is for me. The verses I claim for myself this week are true for each and every one of us, no matter how light or crushing our burdens may be.
So, for him it’s five days of tests … and for me it’s a five day test.
And yes, Mum and Dad I will think about what you can do to help. The truth is I’m very blessed to have people like you poised to help, and if we are honest, if anyone is to blame for my overly independent attitude and behaviour … well, it might just be you two. 😉
And to him, I’m being like this because I don’t want to do 5 days without you … I think we both know how much I will miss you.